Create your Queen

Create your Queen

The day that you stood next to her at the altar you were utterly convinced.

Your mates had warned you  ……………  they’d told you that you were about to swap your ‘single guy’ and Palyboyesque freedom for sleepless nights, dirty nappies and the ceaseless noise, disruption and expense of children.

You saw the theoretical burdens of family life before you  ……………  but you felt happy  –  and even eager  –  to shoulder the harness or marriage.

For this girl in white before you  ……………  this beautiful, adoring bride  –  she fired you up as no one ever had done before.

With this amazing girl by your side  ……………  with her love, her adoration and her belief in you shoring you up, what could you NOT do?  What burdens could you NOT withstand?

Her love for you during your engagement had created a platform on which everything in you that was good, strong and noble played out effortlessly  ……………  and you married her, in part, so that you could go on feeling the raging fire that her love lit within you.

But then, as the reality (or, more to the point, the blunt force trauma!) of parenthood descended fully upon you, grinding on for weeks, months and years  ……………  you felt a troubling feeling.

Your seeming source of inspiration, your once queen-inspired fire  ……………  it all began to fade.

The cooling within you continued, faster and faster, until at last you looked to your wife with anger.  You thought to yourself (but didn’t dare say it out aloud) “Where are the tears of love and adoration and belief she once gave you?  What happened to that lifeblood you had once counted on?”

But the problem is NOT with your wife!

The real problem is with your belief that your inspiration and action is somehow her responsibility  ……………  time for a solid self-slap to the forehead!

When you place the burden of your inspiration on your wife, you give her a power she is neither:

  • willing;
  • able; or
  • responsible,

to wield.

You should never have made her (in your mind) the keeper or the perpetuator of your flame.  You must generate your own flame.  At best, her role is to help you to keep your own flame of inspiration burning.

You should never have expected your queen to make you your own king.

So, stop expecting your wife to inspire you.

Stop looking for an outside or external ‘coronation’.

Be the king in your life who creates your queen.

Gaze into her eyes.

Listen when she speaks  –  with both ears and with both eyes wide open and focussing on every word she says.

Kiss her passionately  ……………  hold her longer.

Make her feel like being in your arms is the safest place on earth for her to be.

As best you can afford, lavish her with gifts, jewels and clothing  ……………  but, most importantly, lavish her with words of affection.

Know her language of love  ……………  and give it to her in abundance, with no strings attached.

Create for your queen a current  –  no, a tidal wave  –  of love, vision and reckless giving that sweeps her up and carries her along, captivated and engrossed by you.

Whether or not your queen returns that love does not matter.

It must be the act of loving her that genuinely fires you  ……………  not its reciprocation.

Any love or adoration that your queen returns will be immaterial  ……………  because the essential magic will have already happened inside you.  The fire will have already been lit.

You might misguidedly think “Why would I kiss her?” or “Why would I gaze into those cold, bitter eyes?  How could I treat as a queen this woman who sneers and scorns so unbearably?”

And that, right there, is the paradox, the enigma that has been holding your marriage  –  and your very kingship  –  captive for too long.

The love, the respect, the adoration that you long and yearn for her to give you  ……………  it is not hers to give  –  but, to the contrary, for YOU TO CREATE in her.

Mould your queen into her best, highest self  ……………  not with silence, criticism or ultimatums, but with acts of imagination and love.

No matter how deep your disillusionment may be, it is the only way: you must create your queen.

For one whole day, suspend your self-imposed grief, despair, disillusionment and anger  ……………  and LOVE HER as if today is the last day of her life.

Only then will you again find the queen for whom you’ve been longing.

Only then will you know and again feel the old heat you once felt.

Do not look to her:

It is YOU who must relight the flames.

It is YOU who must finally decide that HE is the king  –  HE who forges his own queen.

Your mutual feelings will then become self-perpetuating.

Peter Kerin



Credit for the above image goes to pedrosimoes7